(BL) Hunting The Field Guide novel Chapter 451

Chapter 451: I’ve never wanted to change you

Rhys dragged Kellen across the hall to the guiding room there. Kellen, without much thought, checked to see if it was booked for any time coming up and found that it wasn’t, which settled some of his concerns. The room was small, quiet, and you couldn’t hear the noises from outside.

Rhys sat down on the bed, looking stricken, and Kellen closed the door gently behind him, locking it just to make sure. The feeling was still there, the worry churning his gut.

Kellen stood by the door, giving them some space as Rhys bent further, dropping his head down as he rested both of his elbows on his knees. The sigh that left his body had more of Kellen’s hair standing on end.

"Kellen." Rhys began. Hearing him say his name didn’t bring him joy. Something was about to come out of his mouth that Kellen knew he wasn’t going to like. He could already imagine what it was, but he didn’t want to hear it. Things were going well for them. He didn’t want anything to throw that off. They were good.

Kellen could feel his breath hitch. His body knew. Rhys knew. He knew. He was just in denial.

"Don’t say it." Kellen found himself saying quietly. "Don’t say no." Rhys let out a sigh. It was heavy, and the whole room felt weighed down by it. Kellen’s breathing grew harsher.

Rhys raised his head and Kellen met his gaze for a second before he had to tear it away. His eyes were wide, panicked. The brief second he’d met Rhys’ gaze had made this only worse.

He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t upset. He was sad. That only made this worse.

"Kellen. I’ve been the one avoiding it. I know. I know who you...are." Rhys let out another breath, and it sounded like he was restraining himself. Kellen swallowed. Rhys sounded like he was on the edge. Like he was about to cry.

Kellen didn’t know what to do with that information.

"I am me." Kellen agreed. He was still by the door. Still awkward. His chest was still tight, his breathing still compromised. Why was this so hard for him? Why was this so hard for both of them?

"I’ve never wanted to change you. Not really. I’ve always loved how passionate and dedicated you are." That didn’t have a good ring to it. That sounded...terrible, actually. "There have been moments where I’ve worried greatly for you, but I know you’ll be safe. You’ve done this...hundreds of times." Rhys whispered the last words, sounding like they were painful to come out of his mouth. He sighed, shaking his head, shaking himself. Like he was trying to get a grip again. "This is different." Kellen was on the defense, panicking.

"How is this different?" He snapped and winced as Rhys raised his head, looking at him with soulful, yellow eyes. His hands were trembling, and his face was...white. Pale.

"You know how this is different. You, of all people, know how this is different." Kellen shut up at the soft words. They weren’t accusing. They were just...honest. He was right. Kellen was the one who pointed them in the right direction. He was the one who told them how dangerous this gate was.

That didn’t change anything for Kellen.

"Kellen. I’m saying this to tell you I’ve never doubted you or your abilities. I never have. Even when you interviewed, I never doubted you. You were nervous, sure, but you had a confidence about you that others would find cocky. It just told me you grew up with an Esper Mother. That was all. I...I love this part of you." Kellen’s heart twisted painfully as Rhys dropped his head again. The bed creaked as he shifted slightly. "With all that said...I can’t. I can’t agree with this." Rhys whispered.

Kellen’s hands clenched into balls. He opened his mouth, but he closed it quickly. Everything he was going to say was going to be mean, rough. Ragged. He didn’t want to hurt Rhys. That wasn’t his goal. He could feel that his emotions were all over the place. He knew that. He didn’t like that Rhys, his boyfriend, was telling him no when it came to this.

He knew that he had given Rhys the right, hell, the man was technically his boss, but that didn’t make this any easier. It sure wasn’t easy for Rhys.

He looked like he had run a mile, his chest heaving. Both men were desperately trying to control themselves. Keep themselves together. One wrong move and this could devolve from a conversation into a full blown argument.

"Why?" Kellen eventually asked as the air was stagnant with the words neither of them wanted to say. To yell. Rhys let out a shuddering breath.

"It’s...it’s too dangerous. Too dangerous. You’ve been away from the front lines for a while, almost a year now, or it feels like. I don’t doubt your form. You’ve kept yourself in good shape, but...please. Please get someone else." Rhys was begging him and Kellen gulped. Hearing the man sound so broken twisted something inside of Kellen.

"And then there’s Brent. I can’t leave him alone either. He’s good, but I just...I can’t leave him alone if he’s in the gate too. And most of the people who got sucked in were my students. Our people. I can’t...out of everyone, it should be me. Everyone knows it. I have the most knowledge, the most experience, it’s our Guild." Rhys was crumbling with each word out of Kellen’s mouth.