The Mate That Wasn't Mine novel Chapter 36

Chapter 36

Chapter 36

TESSA POV

The price of not dying is to feel like I’ve stopped living. The only time my heart races now is during the skills tests, thundering along in shifted form Hitting a perfect bullseye.

I’m at the top of archery. I’m just behind the silent, silvery Vigo in scent–tracing. I smile, talk and function with everyone around me.

But I don’t go back to our room after the evening meal. Just as before, we sit together at the dining table, I smile and laugh with everyone else. Inhale the scent of oak and berries and convince myself I don’t like it.

Maxim talks to Kai and Silas, I talk to my friends.

But there is a wedge of ice between us. Irene always dines with us, Isaac preferring his friends at the other end of the dining hall.

He always approaches Irene for a kiss halfway through. Striding over, boots thumping the stone floor, everyone notices his black swishing braid, glint in his glassy eyes as he sizes up his prey. She stands up from our bench, almost always with a blushing wobble, he plants his face to hers.

Isaac always grips her face with both hands. Her hands are balled into fists against his chest.

I can’t work out what I’m looking at. If Maxim kissed me now I think I’d have fists ready too. For the first few seconds at least. He held my face like that too, but surely it wasn’t that rough?

Briggs doesn’t look. He stops eating fairly soon after Isaac approaches too. His black curls are growing more unruly every week. Perhaps I am not the only one struggling with the change in our situations.

Only Allette continues. Merrily trumpeting her own successes each night, she is the glue that keeps our table light and bouncy. The insults other blade wielders have hissed at her, the ease with which she beat another student.

She is happy to talk, Irene and I are more than happy to listen until our group calls it a night.

I might walk with my hand in Maxim’s but there are no more rushed, desperate entanglements outside Block A. Every night I drop Irene off at her room. She thinks I’m heading up to mine straight after.

I don’t. I grab my bow and arrows from my little stash and silently head back out to the archery grounds.

If our friends can sense the change between Maxim and I, nobody has said a word. His perfect amber eyes never catch mine. Or if they do I don’t see them. My gaze is glued only where it is safe. My heart is still, my skin does not fizz.

I kept quiet for months after Luca vanished. I have the strength of will to not make a fool of myself before Maxim again.

It helps to mutter, “fucking prick,” after an arrow leaves my bow though. “Fuck off,” and “Blurring lines,” enter the mix too.

I run imaginary arguments in my head. Ask him why the hell he made me fall for him if it was so easy to drop me.

But I’m supposed to be grateful to my so–called mate. After all, whatever Maxim told the Wardens, there were no further questions raised.

So he’s holding up his end of the bargain. As each week rolls on, I’m sure, eventually, it will hurt less.

There has been no further blurring of lines. No unnecessary shunts forward.

We are fading into the background of Ravenbow life. Every so often we might take each other’s hands if we’re walking in the same direction bu

feel him flinch.

ways

He doesn’t want my hand upon his. Despite insisting I do not describe myself as a whore, he has managed to make me feel like a woman too awful to

touch.

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Chapter 36

Tonight, like most nights, I fire endless rounds into the target boards. Then I practice with different types of bows, even wearing the full black armour shielding to get used to the weight. This week bought a set of blades to try and learn.

Anything will do.

Any excuse to be outside. Most nights, Warden Donlon walks by me.

“Maxim not with you?” he once asked.

“No, I think he’d distract me too easily,” I answered quickly, my natural mortification helping me look convincing.

“Very true. Well keep going. It’s paying off.”

I think he’s the one kindly giving me permission to be out here after curfew.

It’s Friday, my most hated and anticipated day of the week.

Three times I have replaced my bite on Maxim’s upper chest. I do it only when he is asleep. It’s sneaky and probably cruel. I don’t really care. He was my name, bucks his hips under the sheets. He tries to grab the back of my head, my hands, anything.

It’s over in a few mad seconds. But those seconds are the extraordinary rush I need, the fuel for my next few days. Then walk straight to the bathroom to wash my mouth out. But also to stop the shivering, aching hunger to simply give in.

If I don’t walk away, I’ll stay. Then we’re back where we should not be.

I’m mated to a murderous rebel. He’s out to stop all murderous rebels. The gulf remains. At least the nightmares have stopped.

I’ve managed to convince Irene to take our lunch out on the grounds where the other women gather, with the excuse of sunshine and privacy. She jumps

at it.

There is nothing to hear but the sound of Healer women bitching. Only praise for Luna Sabrina. Her golden hair, her sparkling eyes. The way her figure suits her long white gowns so perfectly. There is not a hint of danger about her.

The top three healers, Malva, Kristen and Camilla are hated by the rest. Foul play is suggested. Bribery and tactics. But nothing about Luna Sabrina.

Pawsome has a lead now. A tiny little collar with a silver bell that Irene created in her armoury class. Irene might be stuck at the bottom of it, but now she has an asterisk against her name every day. Protection through her mate Isaac.

Together with Briggs our little scent tracing team has reformed too, keeping her relatively safe in the middle of the pack.

Maxim would insist a mistake is being made, still sharing my wins with my friends. I know he hears us talking about our day at the dinner table but he doesn’t say a word. He isn’t the only one who can read tiny expressions though.

Not trusting myself to watch his face, I study how his hands react on the long wooden dining table instead.

Little clenches, taps and movements. He’s frequently pissed and stressed in the evening. The other day there was some blood on his fingernails. His knuckles were raw and split like he’d punched something harder than a first–year infantry student.

He noticed me staring, coughed and made an excuse to get some more food. Before anyone could question his leaving, I turned to Irene, “You’ve been mated almost a month now, I can’t believe how fast time has gone!”

“I know,” she smiles gently, the freckles peppering her cheeks moving with her raised cheeks. “It’s still so strange.”

“I know what you mean,” I offer. “It’s such a big shift in how you see everything.”

“And sharing a room with a man,” she grimaces. I laugh like I understand. Except Maxim is neat and organised. We both barely own a thing so our room isn’t overrun with objects. Whereas Irene travels with boxes of books and memories.

“Hey, some of us have perfect manners!” Silas interrupted.

2/4

Chapter 36

“Not you though.” Kai grinned. We’d all heard about Silas finding his snack from the train ride in growing its own mushroom field.

Allette rolled her eyes. “I’m very, very grateful not to be tied down. I’d like my inate to appear when I’m approaching fifty. When I’m ready to be adore! and fussed over like a queen.”

“Poor guy,” Briggs mutters.

“Why what are you after now?” Kai asked, a smile threatening.

“A good time, new experiences, nothing too permanent,” she smiled back. But her silvery gaze was directed towards Silas.

Allette’s long black hair braided up and entwined with silk scarves, pops of bright colour wherever she turned. She is glowing with confidence.

Neither Irene nor I correct her, insisting having a mate is the greatest of times.

Briggs changes the topic onto today’s scent tracing. How close we came to beating Vigo. He found a few more scented tokens than us. But we were right behind him.

It should have been the Beta’s and other men hiding again, except the top tier of Ravenbow is emptying. Men and Healers heading out on trains to the front. Kai and Silas are expecting their orders any day.

Maybe that’s why Allette is being more blatant. Towards Maxim too. She senses a deadline. I let her flirt, what does it matter now.

“Has Isaac had his orders yet?” Kai asks Irene.

“No, well, he hasn’t said anything. Is he likely to go out before you and Silas?”